Dear Ana
by I am Katniss Everdeen
Summary: Dear Ana, are you happy now?


Dear Ana,

Are you happy now? Are you pleased to know that you've wasted me away to a mere shadow? You know, all of my friends, they think that I'm a freak because of you. I guess this is a win for you, though. You've finally become my only friend, so I suppose that makes you happy, right? I'm 85 pounds, you know. Is that good? Or do I have to become 80 before I finally become perfect in your eyes? No, because if I become 80 pounds, you'll want 75, then 65, then 50, then 45, then 32.5, then 10, then 5, then 0. Perfect zero.

Ana, you've ruined my life, you know. I can't even go to classes without my professors telling me to pay attention when all I can think about is food. Delicious food. No, I'm not allowed to have food. Food is bad for me, apparently. Apparently, I can only have green tea and a couple of grapes until 5:00. Then, it's toast or nothing. After that, at 7:00, it's laxatives galore, but if I don't do what you say, I get four new slices upon my arms as punishment. Ana, you were my best friend, and my biggest enemy. I hated you. I loved you. I admired you.

Everyone asks me constantly, 'Hermione, are you okay? Do we need to send you to Madam Pomphrey's office again?' Why can't I just be _normal_?! I hate this! I HATE YOU! I am constantly cold, so I have to wear two or more layers of clothing to stay at a toasty 98.0 and not be constantly shivering. My toes and fingers are bloated, my fingernails are always discoloured, so I have to use nail paint, which I absolutely _despise_. And I've done it all for _you_. Are you content yet? What am I asking? Of course you aren't! If I'm not thin, I am not beautiful. If I can see bones, that's good. If I am hungry, I am strong. If I'm full, I am disgusting. It's all the same fucking thing, isn't it? Why can't I be as perfect as you need me to be? WHY AM I NOT PERFECT ENOUGH?!

Why must you torture me so?

You say that I'm not worthy. I've believed you for so long.

I don't know what to believe. If I'm not perfect to you, then what am I?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm only good at starving, and I apparently can't even do that correctly, according to you. Do you enjoy causing me pain? Do you revel in my tortured cries and pleas for help? Are you excited when I come back to my Head Girl Dorms crying because my two best friends have left me with nothing but you? I hate you. I hate myself, too, but I hate you more. You make me so furious! I can't take you and your expectations anymore!

When I undress, I try not to look in the mirror, because I know that if I do, I'll be disgusted at how emaciated and sallow I look, yet you'll tell me that I can lose a couple more pounds and finally look skinny. You know what, Ana?

I'm done.

I don't care if I lose the only friend that I have left.

You were never my friend.

You always told me that my friends were lying when they said that I needed to gain some weight, but it was you.

You're the liar.

I bought a package of gummy worms a week ago. Because of you, I still haven't finished them off yet. I'm starving for gummy worms, even one will satisfy me, but I can't even have one. I can only have zero. Perfect zero.

I'm not even a size zero.

I'm too small to shop in junior's or women's. I have now been subjected to children's clothing. And it's all because of you. I can't believe what you have made me turn into. I can't stand the sight of myself, and it's all because of you. You said that you would help me. All you did was destroy the bit of confidence that I'd earned and blow away the shards of a healthy Hermione.

Does this make you happy? Does it make you happy knowing all of the lives that you've destroyed? Not just mine, but that other girl, Luna Lovegood's life is gone because of you. And that one girl a year older than me, Cho Chang. Her life has been ruined because of you, too. How can you just sit there and pretend that there's nothing wrong with what you've done to the world of little half- dead girls? All we are now are little girls waiting to blow away into the wind, and when we do… no one will notice.

Of course, you'll just move on with your life as though nothing really happened. As though you didn't kill millions of girls. For now, all we can be are little glass girls in little paper boxes, inside of little glass houses. The only thing big about us are our big, big tears that we shed every night because of you. Does this make you proud? Is it another notch on your belt every time you are the reason of another girl's death?

How _could_ you? Why would you? Why would you do this to me? To every one else? We all trusted you, Ana. We all believed that you would help us get skinnier by actually _helping_ us, but you didn't help me with anything. I can't stand you. I hate you with all of my heart. The one man whom I love can't be with me because he doesn't want to trigger anything, and he wants me to gain more weight and get healthier, but because of you, I can't do any of that. Why must you ruin my life? Are you really that cruel? I can't believe that you would do this to me.

Well, now I'm ending this. You will no longer torment young girls like me. You won't do anything like that, and I'm going to make sure of it. You know, when a student dies at Hogwarts, their ghost stays there to haunt the school. However, I'm not going to haunt this school. I'm going to help the girls inside of it by keeping them away from you. How? Well, the only simple answer is suicide. You've already killed my spirit, now, the only job I have is to finish what you've so ruthlessly started. Good riddance, Ana.

May you never haunt another person at Hogwarts ever again.

Sincerely, Hermione stupid/fat/ugly/undeserving/pathetic Granger


End file.
